Here It Is... The "Dad" Post

People are constantly asking me, "How's fatherhood treating you?" I generally shrug off the question with the answer, "Tiring."

That's certainly part of it. There are nights I only get a few hours of sleep, and sometimes those nights line up in a row. But that's just my sarcasm and general avoidance of going off on in to long explanations well beyond what people actually want to hear. When we ask, "How are you?", we usually only want three words or less.

Last night, Cory and I were asked yet again how parenthood was treating us. This time, Cory had an answer that was better than any I had thought of.

She said, "It's like you suddenly understand all those things your parents ever said." She went on to say something about how all those cheesy things you hear, yeah, they're true, too.

When my wife says insightful things, it doesn't surprise me. It makes me think. It's one of the many reasons I married her.

She's going to be a good mom. Already is. She's also a good wife.

I thought about what she said. I thought about how I've felt since Rebekah was born. I thought about why I call her Booga (it was the first thing I said to her that made her smile), how I feel annoyed at the situation but not at her when I have to get out of bed 15 minutes after I fell asleep, how I'm amazed and so very proud every time she does some little thing, how I'm anxious to hear her speak actual words and ponder what she means, how I'm torn between spending as much time playing with her as I can and letting her learn to entertain herself and be independent, how I can't wait for her to say "ma-ma" and "da-da", and why I actually hope she says "ma-ma" first.

There's far more to all of it than I can possibly put into words, let alone what anyone would want to read. I thought becoming a dad would bring out parts of me I didn't know existed, while the rest of me stayed the same. I'm learning that this child is changing me.

It's all about being responsible for someone who can't possibly be responsible for herself.

It's about being happy when anyone or anything makes her happy, and not feeling any sense of jealousy when I'm not part of what made her smile. I still feel a twinge of jealously when someone else can make my wife laugh, though even that's changing.

It's about knowing that all of my decisions have consequences for not just myself or others who can do something about it, and if they don't do anything about it it's their own decision.

It's about knowing every detail of someone else. That red spot on her stomach wasn't there last time I changed her diaper... Better see if it grows or shrinks. When she whines just so, she's just bored. When she grips her rattle, she always tries to tuck her little and ring fingers underneath like extra thumbs. She watched that squirrel run around for about four more seconds than last time, so maybe her attention span is lengthening. She really does prefer the bunny over the bear when she wants something to cuddle with when falling asleep. It took Cory to figure out that the bunny is fuzzy, while the bear is silky. Smart kid; cotton sheets are cheaper than silk.

I look forward to the future. Walking with Booga alongside or between Cory and I instead of in a stroller. Having her read stories to me. Figuring out what her hobbies will be and how I can support her in them. Answering her 16 thousand questions of "Why? and "How come?" each day. Developing our own family traditions. And is it normal for a dad to both dread and eagerly await the day his daughter dons her wedding dress and has him walk her down the aisle, just to put her hand in someone else's?

What is fatherhood like? How's it treating me? If you don't know, you aren't a dad. If you want to find out, there's only one way.

I Don't Care So That I Can Care

I don't care what religion you claim to be. I don't care what your skin, eye or hair colors are. I don't care what your gender is. I don't care if you're heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. I don't care if you're liberal, conservative or moderate. I don't care if you're capitalist or socialist. I don't care what nationality you are or where your ancestors came from. I don't care where you went to school, or if you didn't. I don't care what side of town you grew up on, or if you grew up nowhere near a major city.

I don't care so that I can care.

I care about how you treat yourself. I care about how I see you treating others, including me. I care about whether you're truthful or deceitful. I care if you're alone and don't want to be. I care about what you say. I care about why you're silent. I care whether you're happy or hurting.

I care, because I'm me, and you're you.

Day the Earth Stood Still (review)

Just watched this a couple weeks ago. It started off pretty decent; I had hope for it. Then it degenerated into an Al Gore propaganda flick with bad acting and one of the lamest endings in movie history. At least the special effects were pretty sweet the whole way through, if a bit over the top in some cases.

I have to say that yeah, we humans need to take the environment seriously. But I can't help think that movies like this are counterproductive in that regard. It reminded me of Day After Tomorrow; unrealistic, over the top and completely unable to be taken seriously.

It's like trying to say, "You should feed your tabby cat healthy food, or it will sneak out of your home, hunt giant rats and come back as a man-eating tiger. Then it will rip the heads off of you and your neighbors and feed them to it's litter of mutant house cats that will spread around the world and slaughter everyone." The base message is good, but the delivery is so unbelievable that it turns the whole thing into a laughing matter.

New Pics!

Cory uploaded some pics from our trip to the apple orchard this weekend. I won't bore you with another recap of a day at the orchard, except to say it was a great time in perfect weather :-) Enjoy the pics!

"These are not the babies you are looking for..."

Gettin' Older and Liking It!

As can well be expected, my life has changed quite a bit through my 20's. I've gone from living with my parents and younger brother, to living on my own, to living with my wife, to living with my wife and daughter. I've lost touch with some people, but also renewed contact with others. Many of my friends and family members have gotten married and/or had children. I've made grand realizations about life, figured out many probably weren't right, made new ones, and continued that cycle several times over, learning more as I go. My relationship with my parents has gone from ok to absolutely wonderful.

I've gone from being physically fit to having severe medical problems to being mostly comfortable with a mildly active life (though I do want to get more exercise, Bekah is starting to help me with that as she becomes more and more active). For the first time since I regained the weight I lost on anti-seizure medication in my teens, I've gained weight. I'm no longer the scrawny, 150lb guy from high school, but now weigh a healthier 165 and don't need to eat as much to keep the weight on. I have had to buy new pants and, as I found out last weekend at Nick's wedding, will need a new suit to fit my broader shoulders. While I still look young, it's been a while since anyone mistook me for a brash teenager.

I've made some significant realizations and decisions about religion as well, though part of that has been to generally not discuss it. Discussing religion with people who don't agree 100% with your views more often than not leads to bad things. Sure, there are some people I still talk about religion with, but I find it safer and far more comfortable to not provoke people with religious ideas they don't like.

So yes, life is certainly different at the end of my third decade than it was at the beginning. The most important thing is, I'm happier than I've ever been before.

I've heard and seen so many of my friends complain about the fact that they're already or almost 30. We all hear people bitching about getting older at pretty much any age that's not a single digit or including the suffix "teen". For some reason, I see aging differently.

The older I get, the more stable certain aspects of my life become, allowing me to choose what parts become dynamic. It's like getting the "general education" requirements in college out of the way so I can concentrate on what I actually want to do. Sure, there are still some things I wouldn't choose to do if I didn't feel I had to in order live the life I want, but there's less of that and more of what feels fulfilling. I have goals I'm either working towards or still trying to figure out the best way to work towards, and decisions left to make on certain things, so there's still quite a bit to look forward to as well.

The fact that I have a wonderful wife, loving family and in-laws and some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for helps make life not just worth living and exploring, but enjoyable and fulfilling as well. The people around me seem to accept me for the oddball I am, and I love all of them for the oddballs they are.

To me, getting older means several things. Sure, there are the "body slowing down" and "new aches and pains" and all the other typical complaints. But there's far more that's positive. I can look back on everything I've accomplished and look forward to getting done what I haven't. I have more experience in life, allowing me to (hopefully) act in ways that are more wise, efficient and thoughtful. The relationships I have with others have matured quite a bit, and they can always continue to go further. While some people I know now will inevitably fall off the map, I'll meet new people, and be a more complete person for past, present and future friendships and acquaintances. As I gradually appear older, people seem to give me more respect right off the bat. I've gained tremendously in the self-confidence area, and I've stopped worrying about trying to be someone I'm not by hiding the weaknesses I know I have. I'm also not ashamed to utilize my strengths while doing my best to keep a confident-while-not-arrogant manner.

By no means do I feel my life is perfect, nor that I am content with what I've learned and done, nor that I am even capable of acting on what I've learned 100% of the time. I also know that of what I've learned, I'll learn that much of it is either wrong or partially wrong, then move on to come to different conclusions. But that's part of what makes life interesting and worth living. It's why I love occasionally looking back at the passage of time to see where I've been and how far I've come. Then I can take what I've learned and apply it towards the challenges I put forward for myself, and those life throws at me.

I've always enjoyed seeing that I've made progress in something, then trying to come up with strategies to use what I've gained to get further. My life is no exception. When I was younger, I didn't see enough progress to be happy. Now I do see that progress, and it gives me the appetite for more.